Meet them where they are ❤️

Last weekend, I was working in a coffee shop and couldn’t help but notice a little girl, maybe around 18 months old. She was wandering around, exploring, not wanting to sit still while her parents tried to have a coffee.

Eventually, her parents became frustrated and told her that because she wasn’t behaving, they’d have to go home. She was upset, and my heart really went out to her.

All I could think was… she wasn’t being naughty at all.

She was in a different place, full of unfamiliar sights, sounds and smells, and she was keeping herself entertained by exploring. Exactly what a toddler is meant to do.

When expectations don’t match development

So often, we expect children to behave in ways that don’t quite match where they are developmentally. Sitting still, listening, following instructions - these are skills that take time to develop, and they rely on a child’s brain being calm and regulated.

A toddler’s job is to move, explore, test boundaries and make sense of the world around them. When we expect them to behave like much older children, or even like small adults, everyone ends up feeling frustrated.

Meltdowns aren’t misbehaviour

The same thing applies during meltdowns.

When a child is overwhelmed, dysregulated or having a meltdown, their brain is in overdrive. In that moment, they are not being defiant, stubborn or deliberately difficult. They are in a stress response, and they are not physically capable of listening or learning.

That’s why trying to reason, explain or 'teach a lesson' in the middle of a meltdown rarely works. The learning doesn’t happen there. The teaching moment comes later, once they’ve calmed, feel safe and their nervous system has regulated again.

Regulation before expectation

Children need support to regulate before they can meet expectations.

Connection, reassurance, proximity and calm responses help bring their nervous system back down. Only then can they begin to reflect, understand limits or take anything in.

This doesn’t mean there are no boundaries. It means we adjust our expectations to meet our child’s current capacity, rather than asking them to do something their brain simply isn’t ready for yet.

Meeting them where they are

When we meet children where they are, we see their behaviour differently.

We see curiosity instead of naughtiness.

Overwhelm instead of defiance.

A developing brain doing its best, rather than a child 'acting out'.

And when we shift our perspective, it becomes easier to respond with empathy, patience and understanding - even on the hard days.

Our children don’t need us to make them behave perfectly. They need us to understand what they’re capable of right now, and to support them as they grow.

Meet them where they are ❤️